


The Mind is its Own Place

by imonlyobsessed



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Related, Episode: s05e10 Abandon All Hope..., F/M, Heresy, No Sex, Not A Fix-It, Season/Series 05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-22
Updated: 2015-05-22
Packaged: 2018-03-31 18:31:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3988366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imonlyobsessed/pseuds/imonlyobsessed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She'd never seen this man before in her life but she knew without a doubt who he was. Beyond the open sores on his face or the way his skin was already pale and waxy; it was his eyes. For one, unguarded moment she saw what they were meant to be. Not the beetle black of a demon's, like she expected, but dark and light and black and all colors in the prism all at once. Before she could make sense of what she saw or lose her sanity trying, he blinked and they were just human and green.</p>
<p>"Jesus."</p>
<p>He smiled softly and a low chuckle reverberated through them both. "Right family, wrong son. I'm the older brother. The one who was favored first."</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Mind is its Own Place

**Author's Note:**

> Trying to save my fics from a fritzing laptop. Written for a prompt event on LJ that I have long since lost track of.

Something wasn't right. She knew that, she just wasn't quite sure what it was. Keeping her eyes closed, she tried to remember. The Winchesters. She'd been with them at Bobby's. Dean had tried to give her the "last night on earth" speech. She remembered telling him no, but she must have been drunker than she thought because here she was, sleeping on Dean's chest with his arms around her. So much for spending the night with respect. She took a slow, deep breath, easing further into consciousness. Well, at least he was a cuddler. She was kind of surprised by that, since he didn't really seem like the type. Dean certainly...

Her thoughts crumbled. This didn't smell right. Literally. She took another slow breath, taking in the scents around her. Dirt and blood and sulfur and... something else. Something she couldn't place. Something that reminded her of ozone. This wasn't Dean. Memories flitted behind her eyes-

Carthage, Dean, Hellhounds, the bomb, dying... She knew without a doubt that she _had_ died. Her eyes flew open before her better sense could stop her. Her shirt was in shreds; blood had dried, brown and stiff over the grey cotton and across the thighs of her jeans. It was hard to tell how much blood there had been because that dried, rusty color matched the shirt of the man she was laying on exactly. She couldn't see where her pieces stopped and his began, giving her blurring eyes and panicked mind way too many ideas. She looked up at his face and wanted to scream. She'd never seen this man before in her life but she knew without a doubt who he was. Beyond the open sores on his face or the way his skin was already pale and waxy; it was his _eyes_. For one, unguarded moment she saw what they were meant to be. Not the beetle black of a demon's, like she expected, but dark and light and black and all colors in the prism all at once. Before she could make sense of what she saw or lose her sanity trying, he blinked and they were just human and green.

"Jesus."

He smiled softly and a low chuckle reverberated through them both. "Right family, wrong son. I'm the older brother. The one who was favored first."

Her heart made a very honest attempt at trying to crawl out of her throat.

"I'm not going to hurt you. I give you my word." Maybe it was foolish, but she was surprised to find that she actually did relax a little, enough to be able to breath.

"Where am I?"

"Betwixt and Between. You're no place that exists." That didn't entirely make sense, but she understood the important part; perhaps she had been a little hasty when she had assumed she was alive again.

"Why am I here?" Jo tried to sound solid, like she wasn't completely thrown by cuddling with the Devil in a world inside his head. But her voice shrank in her throat and the words came out small, soft.

"Because I like you. You remind me of someone I used to know. And because I have a proposal for you."

"I won't help you with anything. I died trying to stop you." Her voice was smaller than she liked, but at least it was steady. Still, she hadn't even tried to move. Her head was still pillowed on his shoulder and his arms were still loosely around her. An almost preternatural calm had fallen over her. The practical part of her mind told her that was probably his doing.  

"You don't honestly believe that, do you?" He smiled at her, a little sadly. "Truly, if I'm not going to lie to you then surely you can at least not lie to yourself. I think we both know that I'm not who you died for."

Jo couldn't say anything to that because she knew he was right. Saving the world was the last thing on her mind when she got between Dean and that hellhound. She’s not even sure there was any other thought besides “ _NO_!”

“You were never really able to get over him were you? Even knowing that nothing would change, you couldn’t drop the torch.”

She remembered the tears in Dean’s eyes when he had told her goodbye. It would have been nice to feel it when he kissed her. “Fine. Then you should know I won’t help you hurt him.”

“I don’t want you to. I don’t even really want to hurt Michael. I’ve never stopped loving them, Joanna, but I will do what I have to. But they aren’t why you’re here. I’m not asking you to betray your friends.”

“Then what do you want?”  
“Did you know that Lilith was my wife?” The words whispered into the air. “I claimed her when she turned away from Adam. The first of Father’s new toys and the man was a selfish fool. I claimed her to save her from oblivion. Adam was repulsive but she… she was beautiful. She was independent; she made a _choice_ , one not mandated by God. And because she was different, she was cast aside like trash. The only beings she had in her life and both men betrayed her trust. I loved her immediately. She was the first demon, you know. But she was so much more than that. I was trying to share my grace with her; take the weakness of her humanity and make it into something more. She’s the one who figured out how to make others, weaker copies of herself. I guess you could say she was the Mother of all Demons. But she wasn’t evil in the beginning. Angry, yes, but not evil. That came later, after I was imprisoned, after Eve and her children. In the beginning she was just this beautiful creation who almost made me agree with God just by being.” His eyes turned back to Jo. Even knowing it was glamour; she couldn’t help but respond to the weight, the sadness in them. “You remind me so much of who she used to be. I’m lonely, Joanna. I want someone to share my story with. Someone who isn’t vying for power, who understands betrayal and loss. Someone who knows what it is to have the one they love most brush them aside for another. I suppose I’ve been among human souls too long because I want _this._ ” He flexed his arms around her in illustration.

She was still fairly calm. He was being gentle and soothing, not giving her a reason to panic. Well, other than existing. She just couldn’t shake off the feeling that he wasn’t lying.   
“What, exactly, are you offering?”

“Stay with me. Say yes to me and I’ll give your mother another chance. A whole new life in sunny southern California; safe from harm with no memories of any of this. Just happy memories of a family that doesn’t exist. Ellen Milton will be the safest, happiest woman in the country.”

“If I don’t?”

“Then you move on. Both of you. Go wherever you souls were destined to go with no interference from me. Heaven, Hell, oblivion, wherever.”

She could see her mother, refusing to leave her. She could see Ellen behind the bar of the Roadhouse; face glowing as Bill walked in, safe home from another hunt. “Harvelle. Let her keep the name Harvelle.”

He nodded once. “Can I show you what really happened, then?” His hand left her arm and hovered, uncertainly near her face.

Jo took a shaky breath. Meeting his glamour eyes she whispered, “Yes.”

His palm cupped her cheek gently. She had just a moment to unconsciously lean into the touch when the world exploded. She saw EVERYTHING. The great void that was the beginning, the white-hot intensity that sparked with the first life. Angels, earth, Adam, Lilith, Cain, Ham, faces and names, places and gods. The Great Battle of Heaven, the terrifying reality of the first Nephilim. She saw it all, stretching back in to eternity. Every soul he’d ever met, every life he’d ever touched. She felt God, and then she felt The Loss. Every defense she had shattered against that hurt. In the part of her mind that was still hers she remembered a quote; “True hell is the absence of God.” She knew with every fiber of her being that it was true. She knew that every loss, every hurt, every betrayal, it was all just a pale imitation of this, this… Desolation was too small a word. It completely overwhelmed her. Ragged sobs and screams tore from her throat, tears ran freely down her face, burning her eyes and cooling her skin. She gripped him even more tightly as she tried to curl in on herself.

She had no idea how long she stayed like that, hanging on to the very edge of sanity. Time had no real meaning in this place. The minutes may well have been months; the seconds, years. Whatever it was, however long it lasted, the mind will only succumb to so much. Eventually she drew back from the brink, her humanity shaken but intact. She was wounded down to her core and slowly she realized that she was whispering, "Hurts. It hurts. God, _why_?" over and over. As her voice trailed off she could hear his silent platitudes.

_I know it hurts. Not alone. I'm here with you._

This awful and all-consuming pain was his and yet _he_ was trying to comfort _her_. She uncurled from the fetal position she’d crawled into and turned her face to the Day Star. Because that was who she found when she opened her eyes. The illusion of his vessel gone, she saw The Lightbearer’s true form, glorious and terrifying and beautiful. Being dead bothered her just a little less if it meant she could truly see this.

_Stay with me._ His voice echoed in her bones and whispered through her mind. No one could turn from that much pain. She still thought he was wrong. She still loved Dean, lost cause that that was. She still wanted to stop his plans for the earth. But now she _knew_ , and now she loved him, just a little. So maybe she could still make a difference, dead or not. Maybe she could help from this side, ease both their suffering and temper his judgment. Jo settled more comfortably against his side and laid her arm across his chest.   “Yes.” Her voice was hoarse from screaming and thick with tears but also steady, sure, sounding more like herself. She could feel his smile, his joy when he wrapped his arms around her. The world filled with the rustle of feathers and flame. All six of his great wings snapped open and folded around her, surrounding her in heat and light. Almost reverently, he encased his chosen bride.


End file.
